One recent journal entery

Journal entry

Today Tavin and I got confirmation that our baby boy will not survive long enough to live. With this information we have decided to terminate the pregnancy, this is what we thought to be the best/least painful way for our baby. There were a couple of options of course:

1.      To terminate

2.      Wait to see if we would carry to full term (this has the risk of the amniotic fluid to run out and to squeeze the umbilical cord which will suffocate him, which will cause him to go through a lot of pain and trauma)

3.      Carry to full term to where he would either pass away during birth, or will be born with a heartbeat and taken to infant comfort care where he will slowly pass away

All the other options just seemed to lead to more heartbreak for Tavin and me, not to mention the pain the baby is going through.

The procedure is a 3 day process and has lots of details to it.

From day 1 we will meet with the doctor and they will insert a tampon like object made from all natural seaweed that will slowly dilate my cervix over the 3 days. On day 3 is when I will get the all the things I need to make it through this procedure successfully. After all of that, they will give the baby a drug that will help him pass on peacefully, like a deep sleep, no pain no trauma.

Today is a lot easier than yesterday, I think it is because now we have a plan. We’re not kept in the dark of what’s going on. We know exactly what we are going to do, what is happening, and we are aware of all details. The counselor even gave me a list of grief counselors, I did request them but I am not sure if I would need to use them. At this point we are all in a good place to where it is comfortable to talk about it out loud. No sorrow, no sadness. Just a positive surrounding to where we can grow and slowly move on day by day.

Tomorrow we planned a small memorial for him before the rehearsal for our wedding starts. Then we will be able to write down our feelings and release them with balloons. What I plan on saying is “We are here not to grieve, not to be sad, but for the complete opposite. We are here to say that this is the day that we let you go and slowly begin to move on.” Then we will all release the balloons and watch them float away.

We will see how everything goes tonight and tomorrow but until then, we are in a good place.