A small peek into my thought process

Journal 9/6/13 11:48pm

Finally, I get to have my alone time. It’s a bittersweet ending to a hectic day. Being alone with my thoughts is kind of a monster wrapped in a blessing. 

I have a weird feeling going on. I feel like I want to cry but then I can’t. Maybe I just can’t… not anymore. There is no reason for sadness at this point. The reason why I was so sad was because we were in the dark of what was happening… but now that we know what we’re dealing with and how what we are planning to do it feels like there is no more sadness… but yet there is. 

Maybe I am just numb. Maybe I am just tired. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about being grateful for the experience I got to have. Many women yearn to feel what I felt. You never know what you’re grateful for until you lose it. And now I understand. More than ever I understand. 

Some people might say that Tavin and I got the short end of the stick. No. I refuse to look at it that way. The way I look at it is that we are the luckiest people in the world for what we had and still have. We have learned so much in just a matter of hours. We learned how to grieve, how to control our anger and sadness, we learned that to save ourselves individually we have to start as a couple. I learned how to make a heard decision, I learned what it is like to actually BE a mother, I learned how to put the happiness of others before my own. I wouldn’t change anything that has happened. To some people they might think that saying that I am insane, but it has taught me so much in a matter of hours that I couldn’t be anything less than grateful.

The only thing I hope is that by me sharing my story, and every step we have taken that someday somebody going through the same thing could find this and maybe, just maybe, this will help in the slightest fashion. 

It’s amazing how such a small being could create such a huge impact.