My dearest baby,
Today you are 20 weeks and 5 days old. Your due date was
January 29, 2014 but we were hoping that you would come earlier and bless our
lives on the 25th instead. Sadly, it looks as if that dream is
rapidly fading away.
On September 5, 2013 your wonderful father and I found out
that you will most likely not last in my womb long enough for me to hold you,
and if you did, life out of the womb would end almost immediately. All I remember
from what the doctors said was that when you first started growing in mommy’s
tummy your poor kidneys did not develop. One did, but it is covered in little
bumps called “cysts” and barely functions. What this means is that the food I provide
for you does not convert and break down into waste or urine which is the fluid
that you float around in. Because there is no fluid my mommy’s tummy your lungs
did not develop properly and you are not able to breathe. With your lungs not
developing your chances at life outside the womb are very little if not just
completely gone. Right now the nutrients my tummy provides you is what is
keeping you alive. Our doctor said that if you did carry all the way for me to
give birth to you that you would pass away almost instantly, but if you did
somehow start to breathe that they would take you into infant ICU and I would
lose you there or you would be hooked up to tubes and machines for the first
moments of your life, if not your whole life entirely.
I am so sorry. I feel like I failed you as a mother and
failed your father as a wife. We love you so much and always have. There is
nothing that will ever change about that. From the moment I heart your first
little heartbeats, mommy cried and fell in love with you. Daddy on the other
hand, loved you from the first day, right from the start when that pregnancy
test turned positive. Every day after that looked brighter. That we would be a
little family, living happily ever after. There are days that I will never
forget, just because they are the best days of my life:
1.
The day I heard your heat beat for the first
time
2.
The day daddy heard your heart for the first
time
3.
And the day we found out you were a little boy
Daddy wants you to know that no matter what, we love you,
even if we don’t get to hold you in our arms we get to hold you in our hearts
forever. Also, that if daddy and I have another little baby boy nobody will get
your name. We have decided that you were so special to us that we would want
nobody else to get the name that we gave you.
I can’t begin to explain to you how much mommy and daddy
love you. And if I had the choice, I would be the one to take that place in
heaven, but right now you are so precious that god is not ready to give you up.
I love you sweetheart. Always.
Love,
Mommy and daddy
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