Mother's day 2014

Today I miss him more then ever. The feeling of loss, and absence. I know that this sadness is only temporary, but the heatbreak is real.

Not only will this feeling be for today but for father's day as well.

I just hope that everyday until then has been as peaceful  as before today....

For now I am not a mother, but a woman in grief.

A Quick Update

Thank you to all that have been reading or read this blog. Words can not describe the feeling when I log on and see that so many people have viewed and shared our story with the world. When I started this I didn't think that many people would care, it was a place for me to vent my feelings, the feelings that nobody would understand. But so many of you do, and we could not ask for anything more then your support.

A quick update:
Since the procedure our lives have almost gone back to normal. Tavin is back at work and so am I, or at least I tried to go back to work. I recently just went for my follow up at the surgical facility and they said that I am healing up nicely, but not healed enough to go back to work. While working I did feel plenty of sharp pains (being that it was retail I was standing all day, walking too much, lifting too much, etc.) so I asked if I was doing something wrong. The nurses said that I didn't "do" anything wrong, it just isn't the best thing for me to be doing at this point. That I need to let my body heal for a couple more weeks before I can go back to work, if I choose.

Being home all day in our small apartment leaves plenty of time to think, and I have decided that I want to pursue a writing position, or try to at least. It's something that I have always wanted to do but never thought that it was a good choice for me. But now I'm starting to think that maybe, just maybe, that path could be the right one to take.

Thank you so much for reading our story once again.
You will never know how much this means to Tavin and I.

One day

September 21, 2013

There was a time in my life that every time I was upset about the present I would look towards the future. There was always something either it was a day out with Tavin, an event, or even a night out dancing with friends. There was always something positive. Now when I look to the future I don’t see anything. It just goes blank. The one thing that always made me happy and kept me looking to the positive is gone. 

I talked to Tavin last night about it and he gave me something to think about. Every day he looks forward to something… spend every day of the rest of his life with me. He said “When you need something to look forward to, look forward to another day with me by your side, loving you for just you. And one day having the children and house that we always dreamed of.”

It’s hard to think of that right now but it does give me something to look forward to. Spending every day of the rest of our lives together. Standing by each other’s side, lifting each other up when we’re down. It makes me feel better. One day we will have our family. With the kids we dream of, hopefully with the house we dreamed of as well. One day.

Letter #8

To my dearest son, 

I am afraid of facing the outside world as of right now. I know that I need to go to school to make a better future for our family but I don’t know if I can face other students and teachers. Of course all of my teachers know what is going on and they understand that time heals. It’s just the question of when I will be ready. 

I have class tomorrow and I’m not sure if I can bring myself to go. I’m scared of having to explain myself to the other students of where I have been and getting those sad eyes all over again. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me, or think that I shouldn’t be there or that I should be at home comforting myself. I want to come off strong… but it’s so hard.

I miss you so much… I’m not sure where this letter is going this time. All my others have been towards what your daddy and I have been doing for your wellbeing. And now that you’re gone I don’t know what to do for my wellbeing, or for the wellbeing of your father. 

He’s working so hard to provide for us that he is being run into a wall. The other day he got bit and stung by a wasp and has been feeling horrible ever since. And the worst part of it is that I can’t do anything to help him. I don’t know what to do to help him. I wish that you were still here… it seems as if when you were with us that I was more clear headed, that I knew what to do, when to do it and how to do it. 

Yes, I get right now that my head isn’t supposed to be clear, and that some think it amazing that I get up every morning and find time to smile and laugh. But it is so hard not knowing what to do… all I know is that I wish you were here…

I love you so very much… and so does your father. You are our world…

Love,

Mommy and Daddy XOXO

Where thinking gets you

               I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I’m a housewife, that’s all I do basically is think… and cook, and clean. But with all joking aside, I’ve been thinking about how lucky I am. I’m so lucky to have my husband. He has been my rock since day one. I’ll be the first one to admit, when I found out that I was pregnant I wasn’t the happiest person in the world. Definitely scared, worried, nervous. I took a pregnancy test right after Tavin and I came back from visiting his family in Alaska. I was so scared because we had such big dreams. Dreams of camping, fishing, hunting… just doing what we love to do. But when that second little blue line came up I cried. I took all three tests in a matter of 3 hours. All positive. When he came home he found me crying on our bed in our room and he rushed to my side. He thought that there was something physically wrong with me, but then he looked over to our side table and saw the positive tests. 

It was like moving in slow motion, I saw him look over, eyes widen, then look back at me… I was just waiting for him to say something. But he didn’t. I just started screaming in my head “say something, say something, say something!!” All he did was smile… he was happy. He was excited. All I remember is me saying “I’m so sorry. Our lives are over. I’m so sorry.” Tavin just simply replied “I love you… This isn’t the end, it’s the beginning.”

The next couple of days afterwards he was just overjoyed. When I asked him why, he just said that “I’m having a baby with the love of my life. My soul mate. I can’t imagine anything better.” Without Tavin… I don’t know where I would be. Throughout this whole rollercoaster ride, he’s been my rock. He deals with my emotions better than anybody could. When I’m happy, sad, excited… all in a matter of minutes, he just takes it all in stride and does the best he can. He takes care of me, provides for our small family, and slowly makes all my dream come true. I must be the luckiest person in the world to have somebody like him.