Continue to Count

September 17, 2013

               Today is the very first day out of recovery that I am alone. Tavin is back at work and I am back at home. I don’t know what to feel. I’m sad, really sad. My heart wrenches, my chest is heavy.  I have cried today, I hit my point of weakness and all I can think about is how much I miss my baby boy. How much I want to feel him move, and to know or think that he is ok. I want to turn back time to when we thought that he was a perfectly healthy baby. I want that feeling back of when I was afraid that we weren’t ready to have him. I want to be scared again. I just want him back…

I was silly to think that my nightmare was over… when it has just begun. Now I have to rebuild myself alone. I haven’t been left alone since April when he was conceived, it was always a comfort knowing that when I thought I was alone, that I had my baby boy there to comfort me and carry me on.

I count the days since his heart stopped beating. Since he stopped moving. Since he stopped kicking. I count every morning. Every minute. Every hour… and at desperate times, every second. I don’t know if I’m healing or if I’m being driven to madness. Today is day 5… 5 days into “healing”. As I move forward, I’ll continue to count the days… hopefully to look back and say it to so many days for happiness to finally pull through.