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September 17, 2013

               Today is the very first day out of recovery that I am alone. Tavin is back at work and I am back at home. I don’t know what to feel. I’m sad, really sad. My heart wrenches, my chest is heavy.  I have cried today, I hit my point of weakness and all I can think about is how much I miss my baby boy. How much I want to feel him move, and to know or think that he is ok. I want to turn back time to when we thought that he was a perfectly healthy baby. I want that feeling back of when I was afraid that we weren’t ready to have him. I want to be scared again. I just want him back…

I was silly to think that my nightmare was over… when it has just begun. Now I have to rebuild myself alone. I haven’t been left alone since April when he was conceived, it was always a comfort knowing that when I thought I was alone, that I had my baby boy there to comfort me and carry me on.

I count the days since his heart stopped beating. Since he stopped moving. Since he stopped kicking. I count every morning. Every minute. Every hour… and at desperate times, every second. I don’t know if I’m healing or if I’m being driven to madness. Today is day 5… 5 days into “healing”. As I move forward, I’ll continue to count the days… hopefully to look back and say it to so many days for happiness to finally pull through.

Not a goodbye, but a see you soon

Dearest baby,

Today you moved from my tummy to my heart. I miss you so much. I feel so empty without you but I know that you are in a better place. I will never forget your flips and kicks while trying to sleep. 

It’s the little things that I’m going to miss. Being excited to go to the OB to see your cute little face, hands, and legs. Your daddy and I are going to set up a shadow box with your outfit, ultrasounds, and little camo booties when we get back home to Houston. I can’t wait to set it up and write you a letter saying how much I love you. 

You will always be our baby moose. Our little man. You were our love child who became our whole lives. I always thought I knew what love was until I met your dad, but that love doesn’t hold a candle to the love I had for you, my baby. I would get so protective when out and about. Always afraid that somebody was going to bump into me too hard and I would have to slap them or something. But of course that’s just motherly love, even though it seems a bit extreme. 

If there is any worry about how mommy did during surgery, the doctors said I did very well. Daddy was nervous the whole time because he couldn’t kiss me goodbye. Even though all I really did was sleep and wake up. But when I did fully wake up daddy was there already holding my hand and all I remember telling him that “I’m not a mommy anymore…” daddy just said “you will always be a mommy to me.”

Grandpa was there. He was waiting patiently in the waiting room reading his newspapers as usual, but helped me as much as possible when I came out of recovery. 

When daddy and I got back to the hotel we called grandma and she started to cry. She just wanted to make sure that everything went ok and that you didn’t go through any pain. She loves you so much, and was so heartbroken when we found out you weren’t going to live. But you are in her heart as well as all your parents’, grandparents’, and great-grandparents’. 

And rest assured that we are all so excited to meet you one day. Until then, we will hold you safe in our hearts, always and forever.

Mommy and Daddy love you little moose, XOXO

Letter #6

My sweet, sweet boy,

Day one of the procedure is over. Your heart has stopped beating and you can no longer kick or flip around in mommy’s tummy. It’s a strange feeling but I know it is for the best.

They gave mommy a deep sedative that made her very sleepy but still responsive. From what I kind of remember the doctor said you held really still for him to give you the medication to stop your heart beat. I barely felt a thing besides a small pinch here and there. But you did amazing, and so did daddy. He was right by mommy’s side the whole time and only left when the doctors made him; he is also taking amazing care of me right now. Mommy was not allowed to eat all morning and did not get out of the doctors until about 3pm in the afternoon, so her blood sugar was really low. Daddy took me to Whataburger and while he was ordering our food he said that I just started swaying back and forth and fell down on my knees. I woke up and was wondering why my knees hurt! He just laughed and said that I passed out and he had to pick me and carry me. 

I have to induce labor tomorrow so we can finish the procedure. The nurse said that tomorrow is going to be the worst part of all. That I have to put pills in my mouth and just let them sit. And that they cause nausea, diarrhea, dry mouth, etc. etc. etc. basically everything to make it worse. I was thinking about that before the procedure and wanted to get up and run for the hills. But daddy made me feel better and reminded me that we were making the right choice for our baby boy. All the doctors say that you are so cute, and all I can do is agree with them.

I miss you already and love you so much. Mommy and daddy wish we could meet you but god has another plan for us. 

We love you baby boy.

XOXO,

Mommy and Daddy